Deal with it, Forgive, Forget and Move On
When we have to deal with challenging conversations, I have learned that procrastinating the discussion or avoiding a topic rarely improves the situation. The longer we avoid things, the more likely they are to create resentment or actually worsen the issue. I will say on a rare occasion, things may resolve themselves over time, but that is not typical, particularly when someone feels they have been done wrong.
Stewing on a slight infraction can grow into a really big issue if we don’t deal with it. The challenge is that sometimes the person that caused the apparent infraction doesn’t even know their offense. Whether it be that they are naïve or just not very observant, it’s not really on them to fix a problem they don’t know exists. I spoke to a person in our industry recently who apologized for something that supposedly upset me ten years ago. I just laughed and said I had no idea what he was talking about and changed the subject. I assure you, I wouldn’t have held onto it for ten years. I had dealt with it in that moment and moved on.
Grudges suck
There is nothing that irritates me more than people that hold grudges. There isn’t room in my head or my heart for it. Particularly when they have not attempted to air their concerns and resolve the issue. Hanging on to some perceived infraction is unhealthy and will never go away until a mature discussion can be had around the situation. Grudge holders that have not attempted to resolve the issue are chickens. They relish in badmouthing but don’t have the guts to face the situation head-on. They allow one issue to cloud a relationship permanently. It’s one thing to not like someone based on a wide range of issues, it’s another to hold a grudge against someone for something they said or did one time.
So if you feel someone has said or done something that bothers you, it is your responsibility to speak up at the time it happens. You’re the one that takes exception to the act or the word, deal with it. Either get over it or get it out in the open for discussion.
My advice, life is too short to stew on things. Man (or woman) up and deal with it. Resolve it and move on. By not addressing issues, you actually become a worse offender than the perceived offender. There may be a very reasonable explanation for why something went down as it did. It is likely a giant misunderstanding that can be resolved easily by using phrases like ‘when you did this, it made me feel like that’. Or ‘you may not realize, but when you said this, it really made me feel awful’. If they blow you off, then move on and let it go. Most people will be shocked that their actions were harmful or misconstrued. No matter what the response, forgive and forget.
Can’t always be a people pleaser
People inherently want to please others, there are very few people out there who thrive on conflict, but they do exist. If you have those people in your life, voluntarily or not, learn how to manage their personalities. Observe what sets them off and use psychological warfare to do exactly the opposite. It can be fun to mess with those kinds of folks, but only do it if it is to your benefit or you actually think you can manage or change their behavior.
People that are intentionally cruel are vastly different than people who make dumb mistakes in the heat of the moment. You might actually get to them so they see their actions are unhealthy and unmerited. In a world with so much conflict right now, it is on us to try and focus our energy on positive encounters and healthy relationships.
“To be wronged is nothing, unless you continue to remember it.” ― Confucius, Chinese philosopher, poet and politician
