The Likability Dilemma

People often worry about how they are perceived in the world. Are we likable? Do we talk too much? Are we too loud? Some people are hypersensitive to what others think and some couldn’t give a flip about it. One thing I know is that likability is subjective. And it is a futile mission to try and please everyone. We can’t always be the most popular ones in the room.

There are people who have a natural charisma that helps them float through the world making friends and fans easily. It’s not something you can bottle, but they aren’t necessarily born with it either. At an early age, we learn what makes people react to us. And it’s easier for some to read the room than others.

I learned at an early age that I could be pretty funny if I wanted to be. And in the right audience, it worked like a charm. But not everyone reacts to the same performances in the same way. Needless to say, I have been informed that I can be ‘a lot’.  I can be quite outspoken and irreverent, so it’s understandable that I’m not everyone’s cup of tea. But I learned through the years to temper my personality based on the audience as needed, particularly as a woman.

Cracking the glass ceiling

While women in leadership have come a long way, there is a lot to do. According to Fortune Magazine, in 2021 a total of 41 women chief executives amounts to female leadership for just 8.1% of the Fortune 500 companies. This number is higher than it has ever been, but we have a long way to go. Lorraine Hariton, CEO of the gender equality organization Catalyst says, "We need to tell the optimistic—but not exuberant— story around what's happening for women."

Studies have shown that women excel in business depending on how likable they are, and men excel based on how much authority they exude.

When I think of women leaders in relocation and real estate, most of them have big personalities and can hold their own in any room. They are competing to have their voice heard in the crowded industry that is made up of mostly women, but that is primarily led by men. As an example, over 65% of my newsletter audience are women who are Relocation Directors. But if I compared that list of Relocation Directors to their presidents or broker-owner’s gender, the female ratio would be significantly lower. Being ‘a lot’ can be a superpower if used correctly. Why shouldn’t more women represent companies whose employee base and independent contractors are overwhelmingly female?

Be ‘a lot’

We, as women, need to stop worrying about being ‘too much’ and know that being ourselves will attract the people we are meant to attract and reveal what we bring to the table. We are holding back and allowing the preconceived notions to continue. We are fearful of rejection and are preconditioned that we don’t have what it takes by society either intentionally or unintentionally. Gender bias is still a very real thing. Women are characterized as bossy and men as leaders.

A study by Harvard Business Review found significant differences in how 28 leadership attributes were assigned to men and women. Men were described as ‘analytical’, ‘competent’, ‘athletic’ and ‘dependable’, while women were assigned adjectives such as ‘compassionate’, ‘enthusiastic’, ‘energetic’, and ‘organized’. On the negative end of the scale, words ‘inept’, ‘frivolous’, ‘gossip’, ‘excitable’, ‘scattered’, ‘panicky’ and ‘indecisive’ described women; men were evaluated as ‘arrogant’ and ‘irresponsible’.

According to a number of studies in recent years, there is increasing evidence that women in executive positions and on corporate boards can have a positive impact on a company’s performance. A more diverse C-suite, these studies conclude, is connected to higher margins, bigger profits, and better total return to shareholders. “We find clear evidence that companies with a higher proportion of women in decision-making roles continue to generate higher returns on equity while running more conservative balance sheets,” according to a 2016 report from Credit Suisse. “In fact, where women account for the majority in the top management, the businesses show superior sales growth, high cash flow returns on investments and lower leverage.”

It has historically been in our nature to apologize for things we shouldn’t be sorry for and take no for an answer way too quickly. Women don’t want to be perceived as difficult. The sooner we worry less about people’s perceived notions of us, the quicker we can start to have a seat at the table. Worry less about being likable, worry about making a difference. It’s ok to be ‘a lot’. We need to start putting an ! at the end of our words and actions instead of a ?.

“The next time you are about to call a little girl ‘bossy’, say instead: she has executive leadership skills.” ~Sheryl Sandberg, COO and FaceBook Board Member